Pondering Parenthood

I am not sure I am going to like most “new parents.”

So as you know I am pregnant. I am about to hit the 6 month mark tomorrow. Over the last few months I have been reading the…wait…what?

Sorry…somebody just brought me cake. Must eat cake.

Ok, as I was saying, over the last few months I have been a member of my local parents “parenting message board.” I live in a VERY baby friendly part of Brooklyn. You can’t open your door and throw a stick without hitting a pregnant woman or a Maclaren Stroller. (What? You don’t know about the hippest, must have baby stroller?! How will we ever be able to have a discussion again?)

Anyway, I thought it would be smart to join their message board. I had this fear that once I have this baby, all my friends will desert me after a few obligated visits, my husband will continue his life and social activities as usual, and I will become a mole person, who can only talk baby talk to the telemarketers when they call. Heavens to bid, CSI might even grow old! So I should join a parents group so I can find a “mommy and me” play group, right? They will be the only people I will be able to relate to after this child is born, right? I mean come on, for 35 years I have been able to carry on relatively interesting conversations, it goes without saying that once my baby is born I will only want to talk about breast milk, diapers, and how tired I am, right?

Who knows? What I do know is that I hate the phrase “Mommy and Me.” It makes me think of cheap wine and handi-wipes and women who hate their husbands.

What I also know is that I have found the message board to be filled with 90% of crazy. Sure there are discussions about neighborhood pediatricians and fun outings for babies, but those are outweighed by what I see as one of the warning signs that I am going to hate “new parents.”

From a way too lengthy discussion about enforcing children to wear helmets while sledding in the park (blink)….yes the park…not a ski resort, not an Olympic slalom course, not even on the icy streets that I sledded on that could get me up to 25 miles per hour with only parked cars to stop me…I am talking a foot of snow in the park…to the “let’s talk more about whether vaccinations cause autism” to my latest favorite thread regarding dogs pooping and peeing on trees that live in the 3 feet by 3 feet of dirt, every 20 feet or so, lining the streets. “My child helps me tend my tree that is outside of my apartment and what am I supposed to do if there is dog pee on it?"

I really wanted to throw in my two cents by saying “Lady, if you have been living in NYC and don’t already assume that EVERYTHING has dog and human pee and poop on it, you have been living in a fantasy world. My rule day one in this city was to assume that every part of a subway car had been touched by someone’s dick at some point. Yep, even the over head hand bars.”

I refrained as I am still new to the board.

Bottom line is that I started to realize that a majority of “new parents” are convinced that everything is going to make your baby dead or retarded.

Outside of the message boards, I have also been looking at baby items online and have made the mistake of reading the product reviews. WARNING SIGN, everything is awful and is going to hurt your baby. “Hmmm, lets see, baby bedding! Oh what a cute quilt and pillow set. I’ll just take a look at the reviews to see if people have found this made well and…”

“YOU CAN’T PUT A QUILT OR A PILLOW IN YOUR BABY’S CRIB! IT WILL KILL THE BABY!”

“What about a teddy bear?”

“TEDDY BEARS ARE A SIDS VESSEL!”

“A sheet? Can I have a sheet to wrap my baby up…in…”

“I AM CALLING CHILD SERVICES!!!”

“Well what am I supposed to use?”

“A SLEEP SACK! YOU PUT YOUR BABY IN A SLEEP SACK!”

“A sack?”

“YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE A BABY!”

So lets see, all bedding will kill the baby, pacifiers may or may not warp your baby’s teeth forever, you are an ass for not using cloth diapers and you’re are a jerk if you don’t use disposable diapers. Oh, and how the discussion of weaning yourself off of going to your child every time she cries wound up on the Babies-R-Us product review page, is beyond me. I will say, in regards to that, what my Mama said…"We don’t even let our pets cry.”

Oh…and sort of like the phrase “Mommy and Me,” I find that when parents sign their names to reviews or to the message board postings “blank, mom to blank and blank” I want to shove my fingers in my eyes. Here are some examples.

Anna, mom to a 4-year-old and a 5-month-old (also a nursing champ) Somebody call Oprah

Melissa, mommy to 10 week old Ruby Sue I don’t like you.

Rachel (no longer contributing diapers to the landfill!) I hope your children are able to like you when they are older.

Kate, mom to Alice, who poops. Who gives a “poop.”

Sarah (mom of E who points to me and says "hurt?") Ok, this one makes me laugh and I am sure its not supposed to be dark.

As usual, it could be me. I haven’t had this baby yet. I still have memories of riding in my Mama’s lap in the car and learning that things were hot by touching them. There was one time, when I was 11 or so that my friend Laurie Crunk and I took turns taking a “ride” in the dryer. We are still here. I don’t see everything as a deadly threat, but maybe once I have this amazing and perfect child I will change and lose my sense of humor.

Oh, quick note, you know who doesn’t have much of a sense of humor… “new parents.” Jeesh, you make one joke about making a t-shirt that says “My Other Bump Is An Abortion” and your out of the stroller circle.

Who are these people? How do they sleep at night? With padded bumpers around their beds and on the floor, with hairless and clawless cats? I just don’t think these are the people for me.

As I get closer to my due date I feel pretty confident that I don’t have to change my circle of friends and that I will be able to have conversations about a variety of topics and maybe even continue pursuing my creative endeavors…all without signing my name “Biz, mother of Katy Belle (who likes to sleep in a drawer and eat dirt.)

I am not saying I am not a realist. I know there is little sleep in my future for a while and that by stating the above I don’t lose the knowledge that my life is going to change and that I will no longer be the only person that matters. But I have faith in my family, my friends, my husband, and myself that I won’t be abandoned or find myself descending down the rabbit hole of parental paranoia.

And if I am wrong, I will become a pageant mom.

Guess Who Else Came to Disney World?

Murder Hands!

That's them on their favorite ride...Splash Mountain!


Here we go....over the big drop! Don't be nervous Murder Hands!

After that, its time for coffee! Murder Hands take their coffee like they take their victims...white and sweet.


Murder Hands! Dolphin statues don't drink coffee!

Now they are off to Animal Kingdom! Wow...that new roller coaster sure looks high!

What's this? Oh, you can soak people as they come down the rapid river ride!

Well THAT looks like fun!

Wait your turn Murder Hands!

Let's go to the petting zoo!!! Hmmmm...does anyone else think this might be a bad place for Murder Hands to go?

Check this sweet action out! Cave drawings!

This might be the first recording of Murder Hands, ever...here...in this dinosaur themed burger restaurant. Connect with your roots Murder Hands. Feel your history.

Back at the hotel arcade...anyone for hoops?

Who else, besides pregnant women, likes to get up at 6:30 am to go see Disney steam trains in 30 degree weather? Is it Murder Hands?

And...oh...oh...look at you murder hands! It's like you get irony!

Well, what a fun vacation with Murder Hands. I hope to see them on lots of other trips. Maybe you have some pictures of when Murder Hands went on a vacation with you! If so, let us know and we'll post them here!

xoxo, Biz

For today's Disney World Recap...

I give you films.

During the countdown to Disney, the three of us did sort of an advent calendar style email exchange. Each day, one of us would find some sort of Disney related video and send it to the group. One of the best was this gem found by...me. Duh.

I hope you caught my favorite part about where "Daddy is going to spend most of his time."

Of course this became a running joke through out most of our trip, inspiring the following two videos. I will be the first to say that we missed a number of opportunities through out the trip to do more of these...but there you go.

Here we are checking into the hotel.

And here we are entering our room.

The only other video I got...and possibly the greatest moment captured during out whole trip, is this moment from the big finale of the Hoop Dee Doo Review. This is a dinner show in which you get served food in buckets...here come the buckets!

Salad in a bucket...

ribs in a bucket...

chicken in a bucket...

Baz creating California out of cornbread...

...a big, big slab of cornbread. (That was for three of us...yikes)

The show was of the charming and cheezy outdoor theatre variety, and actually made me long for my days working at an outdoor theatre.

Anyway, toward the end of the show, several audience member were handed old-timey washboards to play along with the big song and guess who got a washboard?

oh yeah...this guy.

Please enjoy this video of Stefan and Baz getting there hoop dee doo on.

Ok...more tomorrow I promise. Try to sleep despite the anticipation.

Guess Who Went To Walt Disney World?

These guys!

Yes PPA’ers…after living vicariously through the Biz and Stefan vacations that are so often blogged about here, our good friend Baz just had to be part of one.

(Ok...this is one of the greatest pictures ever. Please note Stefan's bulbous head and Baz may be the best Luke ever.)

I am not saying that a three person, 9 day trip to Disney, being 4 months pregnant with your husband and good guy friend, all staying in the same room is weird or anything, but…wait for it....here it comes...

Do you think this is weird?

(I present the 2nd greatest picture ever...silhouettes!)

I will get some more pictures up tomorrow but I just had to share these two highlights.

xoxo, Biz

I Am Massively Afraid of The Cowardly Lion.

"Hey, why the Daryl Hall picture?"

Well, it's the closest picture I could find of a man-lion without having to look up pictures of Burt Lahr as The Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz.

"HAHA! You're afraid of the Cowardly Lion?!"

Yes. And not just 'afraid', I'm afraid. The Cowardly Lion has been a closeted phobia of mine for pretty much all of my life.

It's something that started right out of the gate.
The Wizard of Oz was on T.V. tonight. I knew it would be. There I am; a forty year-old woman, nursing a sick four month old (her first cold) avoiding the TNT Channel while surfing up and down the dial just in case I happened to catch a glimpse of The Cowardly Lion in all of his shaky-voiced, manteeth glory. As a very young child in the age of a VCR-less world, The Wizard of Oz was an annual Main Event in our house. It was like the Thrilla in Manila for my sister and I. We'd be allowed to eat macaroni and cheese from T.V. trays. We sipped 7-UP in wineglasses followed by pudding. Wet hair, jammies, slippers and If I Only Had a Brain. It was very glamorous and proper indeed.

As much as I loved The Wizard of Oz, I also feared it. I recognized that this was a masterpiece made way ahead of its time. A viewing never went by without our mother saying: "Could you believe that this was made in 1939?" There is no question that the film did things that no other at the time would even think of attempting. Black and white, to sepia to Technicolor? And to think that when the film was released, it didn't do very well; probably because the audiences feared its mastery and progressive genius. It is a marvel filled with absolute beauty and darkness. It is a movie that I've come to avoid over time because not only does it make me bawl, but it has also always given me nightmares because of a fictional character who is afraid of everything.

I would sit next to my sister, enjoying the banter at the farm, the showdown with Miss Gulch over Toto, the visit to the travelling 'mystic' followed by the tornado, all the way up to where Dorothy meets her future friends, until after she, the Scarecrow and Tin Man link arms and ease on down the road to meet their next friend in need. This was the part where I always got a little sweaty or had to go to the bathroom.

What is it about The Cowardly Lion that frightens me so? It's that he looks like he's in mid-transformation. He's not quite a man and he's not quite a lion. His teeth are still human. It it the teeth then? Probably. I can't put my finger on it.

Maybe it's time for me to man up and post a picture:

GAH! GAH! GAH! GAH! JESUS! Oh no! This was a bad idea. Okay I am forcing myself to look at him. Alright, he's just a fictional manlion who has been dead for decades. But this means he's a ghost and can now haunt me. Oh no! Look at his people eyes... Breathe! Okay I'm looking into his eyes. GAD his mouth is freaking me out! This was a horrible attempt at desensitization. Now that he's a ghost, can sense my fear, and probably was in the room with me this whole time, he's going to wait until I'm half asleep to creep into our room and make this sound while looking like the picture above: "Nyyyyyynnnnggggggghhhh! I am going to make you touch my face! Nyyyyynnnnggggghhhh!"


THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA.
J.

FIRSTS

My mother sent me a bunch of my old toys from Australia and among them, the Fisher Price Ferris Wheel was in there!

I haven't seen this thing since I was probably deemed "too old" to play with it, so away it went. Boy, am I glad I have it again for so many reasons; it's colorful and happy (as is all Fisher Price stuff from the glorious Technicolor 1960's). But take a closer look...


The Old Tymey carnival barker taking the tickets is right out of The Music Man; a cheerful chap game for a melody on a Bicycle Built for Two...

...But the fellow working the ride looks like life cheated him somehow. This is a baby toy and it's saying: "Life blows". He is expected to operate the ride using only his arms and somebody stole his click-on hair. Judging by the freckles, he's a redheaded boy. The whole thing is just unfortunate. This toy is a warning.


Also in the box was my first doll. His name is Mr. Gobblegoose. My parents told me that he's supposed to be a kindly cobbler who whistles while making shoes for the villagers at the village where he lives, but his face tells a different story.

"I live in a cabin and play with household cleaners."

Over time, unable to escape the eyes of Mr. Gobblegoose, those eyes inspired a game with the cover of Billy Joel's Piano Man: "How long can I stare into Billy Joel's eyes before I scream and have to throw a sweater over his face?" I am scared of a lot of things.



You don't know the half of it.
J.

FACEBOOK!

Terry is sad about his cheating whore of a girlfriend, Melissa St.Croix of Sheboygan, Wisconsin.

Kyle buried his Dad today at an open casket and is now rocking the buffet table at his Aunt's. Mmmmmm! Scones!

Susan just called 911 because she cut her wrists, but now regrets it because she'll probably miss Top Chef. Grrrr!!! (:(:!!!!!

Melissa is still stalking.

Jeremy is in a Nigerian jail cell awaiting death for trafficking....and for the laxatives to kick in!

Lainey is at work thinking about her dumpster baby. UGH! Work! (:(:

Jeffrey Fisted Rue McClannahan and threw her to Joyce.

Jordi is Happy New Year. I haven't written in a while but I'm back-ish. I have postpartum depression. But I'm getting help and all will be well.